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작성자 정형배 작성일 06-10-14 23:25 조회 469회

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(1)<br>
Bill and Jan had Carl and Sally over for dinner. After dinner the men retired to the living room while the two women were left at the table talking.<br>
As they listened, Jan and Sally overheard their husbands quietly whispering about sex...and then talking rather proudly about the great golf shot they have had.<br>
"You know", said one of the ladies, "it's amazing that at their ages, they can spend so much time talking about golf and sex." <br>
"What's so amazing about it?" said another. <br>
"At their ages all they can do is talk about it." <br>
<br>
(2)<br>
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado. <br>
"What's wrong?" a woman asked. <br>
"I just lost a game to Carl Smith," the pro said. <br>
"What? But Carl is the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?" <br>
"He tricked me," the pro said. <br>
"On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'" <br>
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. <br>
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. <br>
"Mr. Smith said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he jammed his driver into my crotch and screamed out 'Gotcha!'" <br>
"I can guess what happened," the woman said. <br>
"Sure," the pro said. "It completely threw me off, and I missed the ball completely." <br>
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?" <br>
The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"<br>
<br>
(3)<br>
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, <br>
"Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." <br>
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.<br>
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under estimate his game.<br>
So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.<br>
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee. <br>
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."<br>
<br>
<br>
(4)<br>
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. <br>
Every chance he could get he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. <br>
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. <br>
The preacher was in a quandry as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. <br>
He called an assistant to tell him he was sick, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one could recognize him. <br>
Happily, he began to play the course. <br>
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to GOD and said " Look at the preacher he should be punished for what he is doing" <br>
GOD nodded in agreement. <br>
The preacher teed up on the first hole. <br>
He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortless through the air and landed in the cup 400 yards away. <br>
A picture perfect hole in one. <br>
He was amazed and excited. <br>
The angel was a litte shocked. He turned to GOD and said, "begging your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him". <br>
GOD smiled. "Think about it ; who can he tell?"<br>
<br>
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(5)<br>
Top 10 why golf is better than sex <br>
10. Choice of public or private courses <br>
9. Lessons are available <br>
8. If you're good you can turn pro and do it full time <br>
7. Can clean balls at every hole <br>
6. Choice of wood, aluminium or graphite <br>
5. The less strokes the better <br>
4. If you lose a ball, you still have two left <br>
3. Threesomes and foursomes happen all the time <br>
2. Can pick the size of your shaft <br>
1. Every hole is well groomed and manicured <br>
<br>
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(6)<br>
Who makes up the worst foursome in golf?<br>
Ted Kennedy, OJ Simpson, Heidi Fleiss and Greg Louganis<br>
Ted Kennedy because he can't drive over water,<br>
Heidi Fleiss because she is a hooker,<br>
OJ Simpson because he is a slicer, and<br>
Greg Louganis because he is always getting his balls in the wrong hole.<br>
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<br>
(7)<br>
Deep thoughts on the game of golf<br>
It used to be, hundreds of years ago, that when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. <br>
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.<br>
The paradox of speed -- why is it that in golf the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. <br>
Golf can be explained as a five mile walk that is punctuated with disappointments. <br>
When you really think about it golf is a very simple game. All you have to do is hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. <br>
Golf is a game that turns friends into enemies...you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. <br>
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players. <br>
If you are an amateur golfer then you will learn that often times you need to addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging. <br>
Why are golf carts so popular? Simple, because a cart cannot count, criticize or laugh (a caddie can). <br>
<br>
(8)<br>
Golf Trivia Quiz<br>
In 1923, do you know who was:<br>
* President of the largest steel company? <br>
* President of the largest gas company? <br>
* The greatest wheat speculator? <br>
* President of the Bank of International Settlement?<br>
* The Great Bear of Wall Street? <br>
* President of the New York Stock Exchange? <br>
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now almost 80 years later, do you know what became of these men? <br>
* Charles Schwab, president of the largest steel company, died a pauper.<br>
* Edward Hopson, president of the largest gas company, went insane. <br>
* Arthur Cooger,the greatest wheat speculator, died abroad, penniless. <br>
* Cosabee Livermore, president of the BIS, shot himself<br>
* The Great Bear of Wall Street, committed suicide<br>
* Richard Whitney, NYSE president released from prison to die at home<br>
In that same year, 1923, Gene Sarazen won most of the important golf championships, including both the US Open and PGA Championship. He played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95... and was financially solvent at his death. <br>
Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing more golf! <br>
<br>
(9)<br>
A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. <br>
<br>
The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch, and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. <br>
<br>
At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green, and as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" <br>
<br>
To which the caddie replied, "Eventually." <br>
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<br>
(10)<br>
Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. <br>
<br>
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." <br>
<br>
"I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"<br>
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(11)<br>
10 Years Later <br>
<br>
A man was stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. <br>
<br>
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!" <br>
<br>
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been <br>
since you've had a cigarette?" <br>
<br>
Man: "It's been 10 years!" <br>
<br>
The girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a <br>
cigarette. <br>
<br>
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!" <br>
<br>
Girl: "So tell me, how long has it been since you had a drink?" <br>
<br>
Man: "It's been 10 years!" <br>
<br>
The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit, comes out with a <br>
flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. <br>
<br>
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You're like a miracle!" <br>
<br>
Finally, the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the <br>
man, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" <br>
<br>
The man looks at her and says excitedly, "Oh, my gosh, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?" <br>
<br>
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(12)<br>
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy course. I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker. <br>
<br>
"Would the gentlemen on the women's tee back up to the men's tee." <br>
<br>
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still in my routine, and again came an announcement from the clubhouse. <br>
<br>
"Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee." <br>
<br>
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once again the speaker blared out this message. <br>
<br>
"Would the man on the women's tee, PLEASE back up to the men's tee." <br>
<br>
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window, directly at the person with the microphone, cupped my hands over my mouth, and yelled back. <br>
<br>
"WOULD THE IDIOT IN THE CLUBHOUSE KINDLY SHUT UP AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT."<br>
<br>
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(13)<br>
A Foggy Hole-In-One <br>
Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls. <br>
One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, Pinnacle 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which. <br>
They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate. <br>
After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks, <br>
"Which one of you used the orange one?" <br>
<br>
<br>
(14)<br>
20 absolute laws of golf <br>
1: No matter how bad your last shot was it won't be your worst. <br>
2: After playing your best round of golf you can be sure that your next round will be one of your worst. <br>
The probability of this law coming true increases with the number of people you tell about your great last round. <br>
3: The more expensive the golf ball the more powerful is its magnetic attraction to water. <br>
4: Golf balls bounce. However, they never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, you can be sure that the course will either be "updated" and that tree removed or lightning will strike it within a few months. <br>
5: Regardless of what you did wrong on any particular show...if you skull a shot all your partners will tell you that "You Looked Up." When in fact they have no clue what you did wrong. <br>
6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. <br>
7: God created Par 3's to teach us humility. And, the shorter the hole the greater the lesson. <br>
8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. <br>
9: Palm trees literally eat golf balls. <br>
10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? <br>
11: Golf carts will never run out of "juice" on the first, ninth or eighteenth holes. They will always run out of "juice" at the farthest point from the clubhouse. <br>
12: Any golfer that hits into your group is guaranteed to be bigger than anyone in your group. And, what is truly amazing about this law is that the opposite is also always true. Any time you accidentally hit into a group in front of you, it will consist of at least one person over 6 feet 5 inches and 270 pounds. <br>
13:3-woods have actually been designed to never hit a straight shot. <br>
14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three) <br>
15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. <br>
16: Golfers have perfected an entire language to console and ridicule one anohter at the same time. Example: "That was a tough break" while on the surface sounds nice actually means "way to miss an easy one, sucker." <br>
17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. <br>
18: Regardless of how bad you cheat throughout the round, the last three holes will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. <br>
19: Golf is the only hobby that people swear to give up 10 - 15 times each year...but never do. <br>
20: Like drinking, all vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the night is over. <br>
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(15)<br>
One day a priest and a nun were on the driving range. <br>
The priest stepped up to his ball and proceeded to hit a nasty shank. <br>
The priest yelled in disgust, "God Dammit,I missed." <br>
The nun said to the priest, "Father, you shouldn't speak like that, God may strike you with lightning." <br>
The preist hit his next shot, hooking it badly. <br>
Again he said, "God dammit I missed!" <br>
Suddenly a large bolt of lightning struck and after the dust settled, the nun was lying on the ground, dead. <br>
From up above the priest heard a loud voice say, "Dman me...I missed!" <br>
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(16)<br>
There were 3 guys playing golf one day on a new course. <br>
Number 11 was a long par 5 with water down the right side. <br>
Of the 3 golfers, the first one drove the ball down the center of the fairway. The second hooked his shot into the rough on the left. The third, sliced it into the water down the right side. <br>
All three went to the water and tried to "fish out" their partner's ball. <br>
As they were "scraping" the bottom of the pond for the ball they pulled up an old lamp. <br>
A Genie popped out of jthe lamp and gave each one of the 3 golfers a wish. <br>
The golfer wished to be rich...very rich. Immediately all around there was gold. <br>
The second golfer was a bachelor and wanted to be "better" with the ladies. Immediately he felt a sense of confidence he had never felt before. <br>
The third golfer said out loud..."I want to be God." <br>
Immediately a badge appeared on his chest that read: <br>
"Chairman of the Rules Committee."<br>
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<br>
(17)<br>
Golf vs. Tennis <br>
<br>
After receiving tennis lessons the previous day, a resort guest decided to <br>
take a golf lesson the following morning. <br>
<br>
Upon meeting the instructor, he asked... <br>
<br>
"What's the difference between golf and tennis?" <br>
<br>
Without hesitation, the instructor replied... <br>
<br>
"Tennis is like murder -- you just want to kill the other player." <br>
<br>
"Golf is like suicide -- you just want to kill yourself."<br>
<br>
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<br>
(18)<br>
An avid golfer goes to see a fortune teller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. <br>
"I have good news and bad news" she tells the golfer. <br>
"Whats the good news?" asks the golfer "The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth." <br>
"Whats the bad news then?" he asks <br>
"You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."<br>
<br>
<br>
(19) <br>
A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome.<br>
After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.<br>
He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away, and he kept the tee time in her memory.<br>
The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.<br>
"So did I," he said "but they all wanted to go to her funeral."<br>
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<br>
(20) <br>
The Bee Sting <br>
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.<br>
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What’s wrong?"<br>
"I was stung by a bee."<br>
"Where?" he asked.<br>
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.<br>
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."<br>
<br>
<br>
(21) <br>
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jim's wife, Tina.<br>
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."<br>
"But you're 75 years old, Jim!" said his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Steve along?"<br>
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf," protested Jim.<br>
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tina pointed out.<br>
The next day Jim teed off with Steve looking on. Jim swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.<br>
"Do you see it?" asked Jim. "Yes," Steve answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jim, looking off into the distance.<br>
"I forget." said Steve.<br>
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<br>
(22) <br>
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Pete was beginning his preshot routine.<br>
As he was visualizing his upcoming shot, a voice came over the loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"<br>
Pete was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"<br>
Pete had had enough.<br>
He yelled, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"<br>
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<br>
(23)<br>
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit a lot of fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddie,<br>
"I'd move Heaven and Earth to break a hundred on this course."<br>
"Try Heaven," said the caddie.<br>
"You've already moved most of the earth."<br>
<br>
<br>
(24)<br>
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"<br>
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"<br>
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."<br>
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.<br>
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."<br>
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<br>
(25)<br>
Why Golf Courses Have 18 Holes<br>
The following is not meant to offend hockey, tennis, basketball, football or soccer fans. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.<br>
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't<br>
even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed<br>
light:<br>
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.<br>
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.<br>
Golfers don't beat up on each other during the game.<br>
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.<br>
Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well<br>
they play.<br>
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.<br>
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.<br>
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.<br>
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.<br>
The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.<br>
<br>
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.<br>
<br>
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.<br>
Golf doesn't have free agency.<br>
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.<br>
Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.<br>
Finally, here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.<br>
Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen?<br>
During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.<br>
Now you know.<br>
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<br>
(26)<br>
A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would you marry again?<br>
"Of course," was her reply.<br>
"You wouldn't bring him here to our house?"<br>
"Of course, it's a perfectly good home."<br>
"You wouldn't sleep in our bed?"<br>
"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."<br>
"You wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"<br>
"No, He's left handed!"<br>
<br>
<br>
(27) <br>
After church one Sunday, one of the parishioners walked<br>
up to the minister and said,<br>
"Reverend, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?"<br>
"My son," said the reverend, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."<br>
<br>
<br>
(28)<br>
An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing<br>
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. <br>
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! <br>
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! <br>
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? <br>
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. <br>
The group was silent for a moment. <br>
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. <br>
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. <br>
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?<br>
<br>
<br>
(29)<br>
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few extra hours one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played fast, he could get in nine holes before going home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could join the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the elder gent to join him. <br>
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. Although he didn't hit the ball far, he plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. <br>
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." <br>
With that challenge, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, directly into the top of the tree trunk, and it thudded back on the ground only a few inches from where it had originally lay. <br>
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."<br>
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<br>
(30)<br>
Slow golfers ahead<br>
Bill decides to take his boss Frank to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent, they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a slow pace. Bill offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.<br>
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Bill. Frank just shook his head at Bill and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he also stopped short and turned around.<br>
Bill asked "what's wrong?"<br>
Frank responded, "It's a small, small world Bill, and you're fired"<br>
<br>
<br>
(31)<br>
President Clinton showed up at his favorite country club for his weekly round of golf with Al Gore, James Carvel, and Lanny Davis, the President's most articulate "spin doctors" and was immediately surrounded by 6 prospective caddies. <br>
The President, happy for the attention and recognizing that they were future voters (for his wife's run at the Presidency), reminded the caddies that only one of them could caddy for the foursome. <br>
One of the caddies stepped forward and remarked, "We know, Mr. President, that only one of us can caddy for your group, so we set up a contest. The one who tells the biggest lie will have the honor of being the caddy." <br>
The President quickly replied, "You young men shouldn't be having a contest telling lies", he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute speech that began with, "Don't you know it's a sin to lie", and ending with, "Why, when I was a young man your ages, I NEVER told a lie." <br>
There was a dead silence for a brief moment. Just as the President was beginning to think that he'd gotten through to the caddies, the youngest caddy took a deep breath and, looking directly at the President, said...<br>
"OK Mr. President, you can caddy." <br>
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